Jeremiah breaks hearts everyday

Okay.. so I knew this was coming for maybe the past month or two.... I didn't want to believe it... but it happened the boy I can't see not being the person I loose my virginity to, broke my heart for a second time.. I'm not crying as much as the last.. but it hurts like hell.. I hope Rebecca is happy with herself...

Happy but Im worried and its weird

I've been in a really good mood and Im so happy I have Miahs ^ ^ he makes me so happy and just lets me be retarded. I am a little sad because, well Jeremiah's family is getting evicted so he hasn't been on as much and wont be on for a little bit. that makes me sad, but I know he loves me and that makes it better. I'm not going to go into how Rebecca keeps trying to make everyone hate me because I know Miahs still cares about her and stuffs and I respect that. Today was Riley's last day, she's getting homeschooled for the rest of the school year so yea.. my one friend protecting me from Jon H., Marti, Rebecca and the rest of that group is now gone.. so yea I dont know how that all is going to work. But... I always have Jeremiah and I know he's there for me even if we disagree on somethings **hearts**

Homecoming

I met Haili's boyfriend Mr. Kitten yesterday, I dont think he liked me : ( oh well I guesses

then I was forced to stay at Hayley's house with Chelsea

Hayley's mom made fun of my unique accent

hah who doesnt

even my "husband" says it makes me sound like a boy

(which is mean)

then today my brothers got all dressed up nice for the dance

I got asked by a few people

but I turned them down

because Im "married"

and I only want to dance with Miahs

but.. I can't take anyone to any dance when the get older than 20

my mom needs to meet him too

it's really funny my family

I love Jeremiah

I hope he never leaves me..

I try so hard to make it work every moment of my life

He's just too perfect

Ick

So I'm going to this party for my ex girlfriend/ ex bestfriend.. its for her birthday and we're still friends but she went from like goth/emo to preppy beyond belief so all of her new friends kind of hate me and its really weird... so Im supposed to stay over all of the girls are tonight but Maggie and Marti hate me, Stashia doesnt know me.. and well the other girls are all preps or druggies like my brother and I quit smoking cigs and pot at the end of last year because I met Miah and I quit for him but if they smoke tonight I dont know what the hell Ill do... Im really anxious and not looking forward to tonight what-so-ever >< Ill miss Miahs and I dont even know if Im going to stay, depends if I have fun with the chicks too or just the guys (if just the guys Ill leave when they do) So joy and pray to who/whatever you pray to for me please?

love and cupcakes,
Kelsey Jane Holdridge ^ ^

this is where i live

heh

hehe Im in love, all is well ^_^

Everything by lifehouse, lyrics

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in?
Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Im hot

haha Im so tired and im burning up > >

haha I'm going to miss miahs over the school year when we can't talk as much but he is what I want for Christmas ^ ^

I dont remember any algebra >< haha fail

Miahs

Jeremiah is so perfect and i love him more than anything but sadly.... when he leaves me at night i can't exactly be too happy :(

Does anyone know what's wrong with me right now? I dont know if it has to do with miahs but all of a sudden im really hot like over heating... no reason o my god i hate that > <

new hair!

ahh the feelings

okay so last night, I had a lot of fun talking to Jeremiah, lol he's amazing in every way I think there is.. Im insanely happy but it annoys me that no one could ever turn me on, he can.. lol so weird.. I love him, I dont really know what's going to happen or exactly what's happening right now, but I love him and he loves me and I trust him again I hope that he learned from the last time she hasnt changed.. but the song it's not over by secondhand serenade, part of that song completely describes how I feel, I dont want him to say its over and its not going to work because I want it to, hes the only guy that Im not afraid to show my emotions to, and I want to show him how I feel about him, I really love him and I actually well I kinda,, well my wish for 11:11 every night has been, Jeremiah Daniel Kima.. and some other things... that have to do with him, and stuff.. lol **blushes** haha anywho, I just really want him, in all sorts of ways, I want him forever too..

my one worry

Im really tired, and even though he broke my heart i stay up all night waiting just so i can talk to him for an hour or two... and i wait till the very end of our converstaion, because after he broke up with me and then told me he still loves me, he only ever says it as good-bye. I love when he tells me goodnight... I love talking to him too because he makes me feel emotions and random things that ive never felt before.. also, I have one thing im worried about, if he left me once because Rebecca said she still loved him and wanted to be with him (which makes me feel like he cares more about her feelings and what she wants more than what I want and how i feel by the way) then maybe she could make him break his promises, like staying with me and taking care of me.. it seems like all she has to do is tell him something and he does it... its kind of sad for me, but im sure shes happy about it and I dont think he even noticed..

On the 14th Im dying my hair

picture 1, my hair now
picture 2, color and style my hair will be

Yay!!

He still loves me, I dont care if were together or not I just need to know he loves me... ^^ He's the most amazing and adorable boy I know... the picture: My favorite picture!

it's a hard life

I wish it were easy, I wish it were petty and simple and stupid and the only fights I ever had were with my friends about wearing the same outfit as me.. but thats not my life that isnt most ppls lives but my life seems to be harder and harder everyday people leave me, all the time the only person I've ever really honestly loved left me for an evil girl who just likes to use him and treats everyone like shit.. even Jon knows she's lying.. but.... What kind of idiot thinks its a good idea to theraten to kill themselves in order to keep someone in a relationship or make them "love" because they are only there now to keep you alive and thats not love..

I dont get it.. I love him so much but I guess I wasn't good enough once again. I'm tired and I'm alone and when he said he wanted to be friends again I was okay with that but now he wont even talk to me and when he does... all he says is thanks, okie, yeah... that just makes me miss him more...

why?

Why why why??? the only boy I've ever felt like I had a future with, the only boy I loved in my entire life more than puppy love... leaves me for a bitch you gets everything she wants shes taken girls and shes taken boys and shes broken his heart. I know I told him to do it now because it was my last hope that maybe he really loved me back like he lied that he did.. I'll never fall for anyone the same way and I hope he knows that even if I dont want to I love him and I always will and there is no way on earth I'm ever kissing, dating or thinking of anyone else. I just want him to be happy but its hard not to want her to just break him like he broke me.. I dont want to see them together... EVER. I want to see him because I need to hug him at least.. he was the only person who could make me happy and now i dont what im going to do. Maybe mum is right and hes just a crutch holding me up from the pain of my life but well see, because when I finally leave here if I still love him then I guess not.. I hope one day he loves me back and I can be happy, I cant believe that this happened Im a lesbian other than him and I dont even want girls!! I dont want him to know how crushed i am but i want him to at the same time.. I hope he never marries her, i hope he never touches her and if they do get married I hope Im far away by that time.. I could never watch that and not stop breathing.. I hate ppl having power over me but he has every power over me, I hate it when hes sad i just want him to be happy...

I love my hoe!!

HAILI!!! I love you you're one of my best friends and we both have fucked up lives but I'm glad you're in mine!!!

To the Misses

To the miss Jenna Collins and Miss Jaymi Pap,
Jenna:
You say I've changed but I've become myself and instead of hiding from you and you're silly petty questions and silly views on life I now have the streagth to tell you, it was stupid.. We're not alike, not at all. so stop pretending that we could ever be sisters or close friends you're honestly a bitch a lot and you miss what me? Im exactly the same hyper lil O.C.D bitch I was in the days I wore wayy too much makeup and didnt match and ran around with my whores, I still love my hoes you're just not one of them... so suck it you evil little mouse.. : )

Jaymi:
You act as if I have no feelings and that I'm just your lil book about everything you don't know. but let me explain this to you.. your questions are petty and stupid and if you decided to think once in a great while you could anwser them all by yourself, so good day.

Good day to you both and don't bother,
Kelsey Jane

this is how i feel its what kept me up on this night

Dear Jeremiah,
youll probably never read this but my throat is burning as well as my eyes to explain myself to you.. It's akaward when you IM me Im going to bed, I love you Kelsey take care, and as soon as I say good night Ilove you too you log off like your computer light on fire... its akaward because thats never happened, you never wanted to leave me so quickly before and maybe its because your mom but still you never call me Kelsey, no one does... my mom calls me nicknames like honey, my dad calls me bitch or Kels, my brother calls me Chelsea and the other one calls me whatever name that reminds him of bitch, cunt, or whore he can come up with... I dont think you'll ever know how close i was to death when we became friends and i felt for the first time in years... I had a shoulder to cry on, and someone to fall back on and Im scared to death that even though you say you dont want to leave me, that you might and then ill go back to before the numbness to the cool claws of depression and torture that had been dragging me down long before I fell for you... I wish that you read this and you think how much it would hurt to lose me, like it hurt when that girl you write all the poems for left you, I know you still love her and probably more than you'll ever love me but I couldnt live without you and if something happened to us idk how i could even cope with that... I hope to god you love me at least somewhat the way I love you and if not just leave now because I'd rather not fall more for you and have the pain be any worse than the pain I feel even thinking about you leaving...

I love you... and it scares me,
Kelsey Jane

I am Walrus KooKooKaChuu

The strange feeling seeps through-out my tembling body as I hold tightly to what is left of my heart.
You've taken everything and within seconds you could kill me.
If you said good-bye and turned away forever
you would have said good-bye for good
I could never be able to live without you holding me tight
As I am beaten and hurt by the ppl called my family
you are always there, and I need you to stay here with me
I'll go anywhere with you
for you
and I'd miss you and die in the dead of night
if you were to leave me
and never come back.

Jeremiah Daniel Kima

Jeremiah Daniel Kima is the most amazing part of my life, he keeps me sane while I go through all of this. I hope I can fufill my new plans and be with him even after death because he's the one person I could not live without. i dont even think i could be dead without him. its love when a person can make you smile and be the happiest person in the world but with one word and a turn away to never return that same person could kill you within seconds..

is it sad?

is it sad that i wish my parents were seperated because its stressful when they're together and i dont feel that my mom is safe with him? is it sad that i could care less if i died and i wish sometimes that i would? is it said that i hate my brothers and my family? is it sad that i dont really like people? it is sad but its true.

If you really knew me...

I'm watching the show If you really knew me and so I decided to make a blog about if you really knew me. If you really knew me you would know I dont care who you are or what you are but I love and hate you just like I love and hate the world. I'm loving but you may not know that because I can be really mean because its what people want, If you really knew me you would know that I'm bipolar and my brothers always tell me I only say that for attention and its not like that and my brothers abuse me and assualt me daily but my parents don't do anything to stop them. My family hurts my confidence and don't care, if you really knew me you would know I would only feel anythihng if my mom died and I would be mad at her for leaving me with my father and my brothers and if I was left with them I know I would kill myself... If you really knew me you would know I'm not a confident and happy as I pretend to be, I hate myself and my family, I wish my life were different but it's not... It's really hard for me to be happy there are only a few people I know who make me 100% happier those people are Jeremiah Kima, Haili Noyes, and Jon... thats some things you would know if you really knew me.

Jeremiah!!!

I love Miahs, he tolded me he loves me so I'm happy and then I asked him If I wanted a cute baby that looked like him would he help me and then he asked classic way, or like donation? I told him the classic way and he was okay with that?! I love him alot, more than I've ever loved anyone and he's always there for me :)

the like 3 people following this should try to help to get this noticed and ill love you forevers! im depressed and alone idk why so dont ask... im bored though should have a dance party might make me happier...

all alone

Miahs is my best friend and he's the only person I'll tell anything and everything because he's nice...

I feel alone and I need help so anwser these questions.

Would you try to leave an abusive place if you love those who hurt you and if one of 4 ppl loves you and it would break her heart if you lleft? Would you still try when noone cares when they hear your screams at night?

Everyone i loveis leaving me my dreams crush me under stone cold dreams when their acid spit trails the words telling me im worthless and none of my love and life and passion will ever mean anything.

Kelsey: the abused and the used

You got to learn about Kelsey Jane Holdridge! the creator of this blog! She is called the abused because she simply is, no one really notices except for the fact that when she runs from the pain and uncomfortable feelings of her home she has panic attacks and pain is clearly on her face. She smokes cigs sometimes and drinks rarely she's not a mean person but she comes from pure confusion, its her brothers more than anyone constantly telling her shes wrong, shes bad, worthless, alone, emo... and noone ever tells her anything different her parents blow it off, her dad calls her a whore than says he's joking and his wife, her mother is so passive she beileves him. Kelsey loves her brothers and her mother, but not much more than any random person who walks down the street next to her and her father, she just wishes was gone.. only sometimes does she feel for him, she wishes she wouldnt have dreams that her parents got divorced, even died.. her brothers just she cant think about its hard she doesnt like it. her brothers sometimes harass her in ways that even her mother notices is wrong but she simply says theyre just brothers... but Kelsey, she cant believe that. She feels alone and she doesnt want to hurt her family by leaving but at the same time shes been sick for months but hasnt been allowed to go to the doctor because she had back sugery and she always goes to the doctor and they nothings wrong so her mother thinks shes over reacting to get attention like her brothers think she does everything for, for attention but she only wants attention when shes on stage and no where else. She has big dreams and feels she wont get anywhere by staying here. She's confused to know if she should leave or not because she does get hurt and hit and ignored but in a way that no one really believes or notices and she hates it she gets sicker and sicker and has panic attacks ALOT and breaks down crying alot and she needs help but no one seems to be willing to give it to her shes afraid if she tries to get away no one will let her and things will just get worse...

PLEASE HELP ME

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

SHOULD I TRY TO GET AWAY?

PLEASE HELP!

pain and sickness

panic attacks racing through you unhinging the bones throughout your spine making you shake without reason. I fall into a pit of dark insane... and it can not be stopped I hate it I feel so much pressure and I explode,, I cry, I cant be touched, touching me is an easy way to get hit I hate being touched unless I touch you first, looking for comfort. I am ignored, things have gotten better but still not good my brothers destroy me, they hit me, and suffocate me, I hated being at the cottage with them, with nothing to do but sit in one room together they hit me and mocked me and hurt me inside and out but sadley they leave no bruises, no marks, no cuts so no one believes me, idk is it abuse? I guess not, no one else thinks it is they hear my screams but they dont care they see me run away crying but again no one cares, they dont look for me as long as I tell them I'mleaving they dont really ever care if I'm ssafe or not. I hate my father, he hates me its even I think if someone said they were going to take me away he'd laugh he thinks everything is a joke. I HATE HIM! My parents act like they hate eachother and all three of us most of the time my dad got mad and through a phone book right down the stairs to where my mom was when he was mad at her but he said that he wasnt aiming, Zach and Andy arefine here and I dont care if this isnt considered abuse but its too much for me I suffer from what I bileve is panic attacks, anxeity and depression. I'm always sickk too but my parents wont take me into the doctors until my physical becasue I have to have one for school anyways.

hey hey drama camp

Well I'm in a summer drama camp thinger this year and there's this girl Amy she's awesome and I really like her and I've been told because I had figured it out that she likes me back; I've flirted I've done everything I did for Riley, Sammie, Cydnie, April, etc. But she's different! Gud she's so cute and she's so awesome but damn she just damn.. lol and Drama Camp is the shit I love it! even though Mrs. Vesper always gives the solos to upper classmen and her daughter its fun to be in the musical numbers. haha although I do think and get told im more talented than those ppl and I KNOW Im more talented than Emily Vesper : ( lol damn Amy, Damn...

-Kelly J! fuck ya bitches
**kisses**

**Ugh**

okay so I think I'm Lactose intolerant because most dairy products I eat/drink Make me feel ubber sick and Idk if thats my only sickness but I think its part if it and it'll probably be hard to give up the few dairy products that dont come as soy but I tihnk I may try and because I've already given up meat and now dairy I might be able to give up eggs and such too and just be a bipolar, Asexual/bisexual, hippie who's slightly emo and loves love and music and the higher powers. Who knows **shrugs**

I've decided to stay with my current class because they're so easy that I dont have to really try and I'm smarter than my teachers which is funny and I can still graduate early and stuff so W/E lol

**sad face**

Aww we have to disect frogs/sparrows/Mice in science now icky. so Sad but I didn't cry this girl Haley in my class she did. I don't cry quite so easily yes its sad but crying? they've been dead for quite some time now....

Goo'ay! lol

I've been so bored all day so I;ve told my mother the that I want to be vegetarian and eventually I want to work toward veganism but I don't know how she took/will take it because well I sent her an email....

I'm trying really hard to get tickets for the Van's Warpped tour concert (NeverShoutNever) on July 29 (it's the only NSN concert in Wisconsin since I started looking) I really hope my mom buys tickets Grrr I find it difficult being 13 when you can't be who you are in your own house... aren't you supposed to feel safe and like loved at home? ah I don't but oh well w/e shit happens only to those who are strong enough to take it.

**Peace**
love y'all to pieces,
Kelsey Holdridge

Can't sleep

well I can never sleep but tonight I'm bored too!ugh so I have a question and post pictures and anwsers and stuffs plwzzz?? (1) What style should I get my hair done?
(2) What pericings should I get? I want either two sidebyside lip rings or snake bites and abunch of other stuff (3) what color(s) should I dye my hair?

I don't pretend that I'm cool I know im a loser

It's just who I am and I'm cool with that thank you vewry much meh loves **PEACE**

again I have figured out myself! alil bit

I'm Bisexual; Asexual (no sexual attraction/desire); Christian (again but I just don't like the way the church makes god and jesus sound so judgemental when they're not); Vegetarian; animal lover; freak!; and a bunch of other stuff but I figured out the Christian thing!

Memorial Day Ritual

Otay so tell me if this is competely crazy cuz someone called me weird becasue of this today I mean yea I'm weird but its mean to say that just becasue of the way I celebrate memorial day. Okay so I go sit at the church and sing I've done that almost everyday for 3 years so since I was 10 and I've done this memorial day thing since I was 7 I mean I've lived here my whole entire life. So I sit at the church and sing my hippie songs (1) then I walk up to the cemetary (2) and I walk around mumbling a prayer thanking the lost souls for helping to give life by leaving theirs behind them and it's like a 30 minute prayer and then I finish the prayer and keep walking around the cemetary giving whatever I have to give that year normally its flowers or something but this year it was a wish of peace and love and a thanks of recycling their bodies, spirits, and minds for the souls that have not yet left the unknown world of beyond. (3) and I do this all barefoot I mean I walk around barefoot a lot and some people think it's rude for me to walk on the graves barefoot but isn't it worse to walk over them in shoes? besides I thank them for giving their bodies back to the earth and the people and animals of earth so why would they mind if I treat them as greatly as I treat the earth that I know nothing other than, it's a closeness thing to me (4) I leave the cemetary when I'm finished wishing the dead peace and thanking them all again for their gift and then I thank jesus and god and the spirit of the world for the gift of life (5) I honestly see no problem with this but I guess some people do. this is who I am and I'm sorry if you don't like it but I refuse to change for others
**PEACE**

Secret life of a Veg-head

otay so I've been a vegaterian for about 4 months now and it's been difficult and I've had a few slip ups :( I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't a secret but whenever I tell my 'rents I wanna be a vegaterian they just laugh it off this being because I live in Hatley... Wisconsin with a bunch of hunters in a family that was brought together because of hunting and fishing; my mom is okay with me being Bi but not vegaterian she's always like "anything but that" and so its a secret and it's difficult because my family thinks I'm crazy I'm rarely hungry in the first place but I refuse to eat anything meat and they think im insane and it's kind of funny see I went from no red meat (bad) to only eating meat from animals that are only breed to become food that are not red meat (baddd) to not eating any meat at all... (BAD) haha it's weird having to hide something like that but I do because I wouldn't be a Holdridge apparently if I didnt like to kill and eat things... oh well I'll tell 'em sometime when Ima just leave anyways

(passive much? uh ya)

**love and peace to you**

**PEACE**

Extra-ordinary chance

It's really ordinary to us to have life because we already have it it's normal it's average but think about it even those with sickness physically and/or mentally like me were givin a chance at something so amazing that we don't even know anything else we can't even think about life without life it's immpossible to us and therefore we must all know what we have right here is extraordinary and we can't even comprehed what really gave this gift to us or who/what can take it away and we can't figure out what really happens outside of our world in the world where the souls of those lost and those to come roam.

Peace,
Kelsey Holdridge

Make love not war

The Past and Love is Our Weapon and sacrilegious are some of my favorite NevershoutNever songs because I relate to them. I have a question, Why is it wrong to be gay, or lesbian, or Bisexual or anything, how is that wrong that's like saying it's wrong to be black or white! Everyone is just a person everyone deserves love from all people. We have to love eachother or the human race will die out in 2012 but it has nothing to do with the end of the world it has to do with humans fighting and killing eachother because we're different from eachother but isn't that something to be celebrated?? Why can't we listen to the Hippies of the past generations? Make love not war!

Peace,
Kelsey

BARMITZVAH DRESS

BARMITZVAH DRESS:

Zachary Robert Bluestein

Zachary you are one of my few best friends, you may be a bitch regularly to me but you mean well and you're honest maybe too honest but Honesty is a lost quality so I'm proud of you for being yourself and for of course being there for me when my ex girlfriend and your current girlfriend is a bitch to me and thanks for the offer of a threesome but no thankies haha I love you! you're my Bffl I guess lol I can't believe you say bffl.

Love ya darlins,

Kelly Jane

Jane Doe - NeverShoutNever

Jane Doe is a song by NeverShoutNever and I heard it for the first time today cuz I bought the CD What is love? I love every single song but this one, I love it but I'm not 100% sure who/what it's about hahaha. I would be Chris's Jane Doe lol cuz he seems soo sweet! lol but I don't know him so actually I'd much rather know him first!

Love ya my minions
(surprised ppl actually read my thoughts)
Kelsey Jane Holdridge!!!

MEH!!!!

Ima be a big scary fucking snake!

hahaha!! Im so fucking lonely but bitches that's cool! Sssoooo... whats up pplz??? I'm bored and I have nothing to talk about but I wish I did! I guess I'm just confused,, I like Miah!!??! I can't like Miah hes like one of my bestest friend!! GAHH! and then Jon and Riley are not being helpful on the subject of love lately and there is this new kid, David. DeathNote as some people may know him by anyways he's cute and I like his views but he randomlly stops txting me back and thats pissing meh off then of course I still pretty Much love Riley although she went all preppy which is so not my thing! Im so freaking confused! I got sunburnt today like reall bad, hopr it doesnt make my constantly being sick worse cuz dat would be baddd! omg school is almost over and instead of being an 8th grader I'll probably be a freshman wif all my real frwends so yayzz! Miah >>>

Okay well RObert is scaring me first off he dumped me and now hes pretty much stalking me telling me he's gonna kill himself and its his fault im the way I am and all that shit and it's scary lol you guys should see the note he sent me the day after he dumped me asking me to take him back when he knows thats not how I work besides I do like Alex (my ex) again but he has a new girlfriend although its fact he likes me back but there is a new varible and someone I'm actually physically attracted too as well as emotional and being Asexual thats weird so maybe im not completely Asexual but I still pretty much am but anyways His name is Jeremiah but I call him Miah and I dont know if he likes me back but I know I like him he may be 16 and from B.C. but he's got some innocent qualities as well as the mature immaturity of normal people. He's so sweet though... I'm so confused about what to do but I think I might figure it out at some point lol

Alex!!!

My Ex boyfriend Alex, he's 17 and he drives me places but also I didn't know how much I missed him and I def. still love him. But he has a Girlfriend now, god damn him but we were in his car yesterday and I knew he still loved me too but we kissed and I cant not think about him again and It sucks but I love it anyway!

Meh misses my mon shu shu

I can't believe I'm alone again, am going to try to O.D. again? I have enough meds to easily do so on... Am i going to kill his next girlfriend? No... But hell yes ill want to. Am i gonna be lez? if i ever touch another human loveingly again, probably it will be a woman, yes... I loved him so much and I didn't even know until after he took my heart and shattered it into pieces so small that I can't even tell that they're there. My insides feel as if they're shattered glass melted down into a liqud so light that its not even there. I hate this feeling and it's there. I've already lost my best friend, why do i have to go through this again, this is so much worse than when clayton killed himself.. because I dont want to die becasue he's still alive and I can still see him, he's still breathing... I love...ed him I wish i could just say how I feel but i cant becasue I don't think he'd care.

Wishin life was easy,
Bitchy lil' fuck,
Kelsi H.

Heartbroken

**crying** Why the fuck did he dump me? what did i do and why is he telling me he still loves me if he dumped me? He's such a lying asshole he just wanted sex and im so fucking glad he didnt get it. I miss him and i really dont want to heart broken again....

GRADUATE!!!

I a grad-u-ate-ed from thearapies!!x2 physical and the one for crazies! ha! I win! but they didnt anwser any of my questions oh well. My bro's court apperance numbero un #1 is 2maro and hopefully he's coming home but we dont know from there and then zach's court thingy is tuesday and I forgot what was wednesday but there is sum'ing lol!

Holy fuckin Jesus Christ!!!

Otay so I am so out of it now, like time is fucked up! I hate living in this fucking shit hole and with these people and I can't wait till emancipation! yea but I has a story! So I refused to take my like anti-hyper meds yesterday and then I had sugar, energy bar, candy and caffine which is 'mazing!!! **angel song** These things are not good combinations but.. then again it is so fucking fun! but then my mom got pissed and forced me to take my dose at night so I only took half of it this morning and it doesn't seem to work well! but I so learned my lesson: never take your meds unless you'll die if you dont haha!

Oh fuck!

Well, my brother, the eldest, was finally caught, he was busted with weed, we just go the damn call. he's in jail, dude he owes me 70$ and I'm never onna fuckin get it back. Worse yet I relized how truelly fucked up our family is. Everyone hates everyone, I can't wait until I'm 16 because if I have a job emancipation is the way...

EEEPPP!!!

holy fuck so the same like adorable guy who was at high jump at the meet who i liked is the guy who Jon is trying to set me up with, his name is Robert and hes so sweet and like fucking amazing, maybe there is a god after all cuz my pray, its basically been anwsered im so freaking happy! I really really like him like more than any one else, I really hope this works because hes amazing and i might maybe perhaps love him... tchao darlings <3

4/13/10 New!!

I haven't done much on this for awhile but hey!! I got my hair cut, I want a girlfriend or a boyfriend but no hot/nice/sweet/adorable people live by me sence he went and did that to himself* so I need cute emo girls/boys to move to Wisconsin so Please!!! Ugh! lol Well im over Jon in that way somewhat well I still love him but his friendship overpowers him, I'm going to randomly add pics every few days from now on! Bye! I'm on a fuckin Hippo!!! What now bitch?! lol

love ya,

Kelsey

Party!

Lets go party mi bitches!!! lol im hyper today, I thank Jon for saving my life once again. I talked to a few really gorgeous girls this weekend and two boys who wanted me to "sext" them which is disgusting so yea i was like no!! lol im bored and this chick who tryed making the presentation we had to do in L.Arts on the Vietnam war and so I'm expected to make a damn script about it to go with this crappy powerpoint and she didnt say anything about the domino theory! I mean honestly that's the whole point the united nations was even there! omg she's so dumb!

girlfriends

I really really want a girlfriend!!! I really like one guy and I could not get myself to like a different guy only girls. anyone interested I really want to find.

I can't believe this shit!

I can't believe:

1. Jon is the only person I really care much about
2. I like two girls a lil bit
3. my parents dont pay any attention
4. my school's new dress code

Otay so yea I really like Jon, both ways, he's adorable but also he's like my best friend ever! I like two girls at the moment but neither of them pass up Jon, um well one is striaght so that's not happening, but she is so hot! The other one is bi, just like me, but at the moment I dont really know whats going on in her world but she's awesome!

My parents pay like 0% attention to me, like honestly that wont leave me alone because they just have no idea how I feel or why, well honestly I dont know why I feel so empty and alone 100% of the time but I do. Have you ever woken up and cried because you woke up and you could, just because you wish you were dead that much?! I O.D. on painkillers like everyday or I used to but I'm letting myself feel the pain I'm desevering of at the moment, but I'm so alone and no one understands who I am and nor does anyone care.

My school's V.P. is soo retarded, today she decided girls can't wear anything except brumuda shorts, capris, long (over knee skirts), or jeans even if we wear leggings, everyone is so mad that people are asking me if I'll write up a petition and I might because I hate the stupid school as much as I hate my father.

I'm thinking about emancipation peition when I'm 16 like right after I got my license , just because I want my parent's and adults to stop pretending that im stupid and immature just because I'm not leaglly an adult which I would be then and I could be free of adults pretending they're smarter than me when I'm at least 5% smarter than most of them.

I've somewhat figured this out

The problem with Jon, I've figured that whole deal out now, I've decided he's like my best friend and I'd rather keep him there than date him, if he asked me out I'd say yea but cuz he won't I acutally don't care! I'm happy with him being my best friend for the rest of my life ^^

Obbessive Compulsive and BI polar

the title is it, that's who I am.

I need everything to have an even number or it freaks me out! I need things to match and I need things to look even, like I need music turned to an even number and when there are like 5 snowglobes I need two on either side of one that doesn't match, I got that from my mother.

Bi polar is who I am, I have mixed bi polar disorder, my mood changes really fast and randomly, I automatically know how I feel even before I feel it but I can't control it even when there isn't a reason.

I also have eating and sleeping problems, I eat either way to much or way too little but it evens out so I don't really have too much of a problem there but with sleeping there is a problem, I sleep alot but I don't fall asleep until late and then I wake up every few hours and I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep!

That's just me bitch,
Kelsey J. Holdridge

my dream of heir

My dream was intersting but it was awsome I had it!!! It was about me and jon, it was like erotic or anything that would be weird!!! NO, it was cute from my perspective though. see, it was him trying to teach me how to play guitar at first but that so didn't work so I started pulling away from him then the next part was random but we were in the hallway in the highschool and we were talking about his girlfriend, tori but then he asked me to promise him
i liked him as much as he liked me so I kissed him really fast and started pulling away to blush but he pulled me back and kissed me harder, I really enjoyed that dream, but I don't want to tell him about it because I don't think he'd like it very much, but I don't care because I honestly would do that but normally, he's with tori so I can't and because the play is done now and i won't see him until track it doesn't matter and besides he hasn't been txting me back so I guess I might have to just try to get over him but I really don't want to.

Skipping School!!!

Today I didn't go to school because I really didn't want to, I haven't slept well in many days like always except yesterday night when for the first time in like 3 months I had a dream which the following post will tell you more about. So today I slept most of the day and I didn't really feel good because I haven't and I do have a few health problems but they're no big deal. So today consisted of mostly catching up, catching up on sleep, my health, my homework, cleaning, fitness, and eating so it's all good. I'm very happy that I actually slept and I caught up but still I have more catching up to do, as I always do.