new hair!

ahh the feelings

okay so last night, I had a lot of fun talking to Jeremiah, lol he's amazing in every way I think there is.. Im insanely happy but it annoys me that no one could ever turn me on, he can.. lol so weird.. I love him, I dont really know what's going to happen or exactly what's happening right now, but I love him and he loves me and I trust him again I hope that he learned from the last time she hasnt changed.. but the song it's not over by secondhand serenade, part of that song completely describes how I feel, I dont want him to say its over and its not going to work because I want it to, hes the only guy that Im not afraid to show my emotions to, and I want to show him how I feel about him, I really love him and I actually well I kinda,, well my wish for 11:11 every night has been, Jeremiah Daniel Kima.. and some other things... that have to do with him, and stuff.. lol **blushes** haha anywho, I just really want him, in all sorts of ways, I want him forever too..

my one worry

Im really tired, and even though he broke my heart i stay up all night waiting just so i can talk to him for an hour or two... and i wait till the very end of our converstaion, because after he broke up with me and then told me he still loves me, he only ever says it as good-bye. I love when he tells me goodnight... I love talking to him too because he makes me feel emotions and random things that ive never felt before.. also, I have one thing im worried about, if he left me once because Rebecca said she still loved him and wanted to be with him (which makes me feel like he cares more about her feelings and what she wants more than what I want and how i feel by the way) then maybe she could make him break his promises, like staying with me and taking care of me.. it seems like all she has to do is tell him something and he does it... its kind of sad for me, but im sure shes happy about it and I dont think he even noticed..

On the 14th Im dying my hair

picture 1, my hair now
picture 2, color and style my hair will be

Yay!!

He still loves me, I dont care if were together or not I just need to know he loves me... ^^ He's the most amazing and adorable boy I know... the picture: My favorite picture!

it's a hard life

I wish it were easy, I wish it were petty and simple and stupid and the only fights I ever had were with my friends about wearing the same outfit as me.. but thats not my life that isnt most ppls lives but my life seems to be harder and harder everyday people leave me, all the time the only person I've ever really honestly loved left me for an evil girl who just likes to use him and treats everyone like shit.. even Jon knows she's lying.. but.... What kind of idiot thinks its a good idea to theraten to kill themselves in order to keep someone in a relationship or make them "love" because they are only there now to keep you alive and thats not love..

I dont get it.. I love him so much but I guess I wasn't good enough once again. I'm tired and I'm alone and when he said he wanted to be friends again I was okay with that but now he wont even talk to me and when he does... all he says is thanks, okie, yeah... that just makes me miss him more...

why?

Why why why??? the only boy I've ever felt like I had a future with, the only boy I loved in my entire life more than puppy love... leaves me for a bitch you gets everything she wants shes taken girls and shes taken boys and shes broken his heart. I know I told him to do it now because it was my last hope that maybe he really loved me back like he lied that he did.. I'll never fall for anyone the same way and I hope he knows that even if I dont want to I love him and I always will and there is no way on earth I'm ever kissing, dating or thinking of anyone else. I just want him to be happy but its hard not to want her to just break him like he broke me.. I dont want to see them together... EVER. I want to see him because I need to hug him at least.. he was the only person who could make me happy and now i dont what im going to do. Maybe mum is right and hes just a crutch holding me up from the pain of my life but well see, because when I finally leave here if I still love him then I guess not.. I hope one day he loves me back and I can be happy, I cant believe that this happened Im a lesbian other than him and I dont even want girls!! I dont want him to know how crushed i am but i want him to at the same time.. I hope he never marries her, i hope he never touches her and if they do get married I hope Im far away by that time.. I could never watch that and not stop breathing.. I hate ppl having power over me but he has every power over me, I hate it when hes sad i just want him to be happy...

I love my hoe!!

HAILI!!! I love you you're one of my best friends and we both have fucked up lives but I'm glad you're in mine!!!

To the Misses

To the miss Jenna Collins and Miss Jaymi Pap,
Jenna:
You say I've changed but I've become myself and instead of hiding from you and you're silly petty questions and silly views on life I now have the streagth to tell you, it was stupid.. We're not alike, not at all. so stop pretending that we could ever be sisters or close friends you're honestly a bitch a lot and you miss what me? Im exactly the same hyper lil O.C.D bitch I was in the days I wore wayy too much makeup and didnt match and ran around with my whores, I still love my hoes you're just not one of them... so suck it you evil little mouse.. : )

Jaymi:
You act as if I have no feelings and that I'm just your lil book about everything you don't know. but let me explain this to you.. your questions are petty and stupid and if you decided to think once in a great while you could anwser them all by yourself, so good day.

Good day to you both and don't bother,
Kelsey Jane

this is how i feel its what kept me up on this night

Dear Jeremiah,
youll probably never read this but my throat is burning as well as my eyes to explain myself to you.. It's akaward when you IM me Im going to bed, I love you Kelsey take care, and as soon as I say good night Ilove you too you log off like your computer light on fire... its akaward because thats never happened, you never wanted to leave me so quickly before and maybe its because your mom but still you never call me Kelsey, no one does... my mom calls me nicknames like honey, my dad calls me bitch or Kels, my brother calls me Chelsea and the other one calls me whatever name that reminds him of bitch, cunt, or whore he can come up with... I dont think you'll ever know how close i was to death when we became friends and i felt for the first time in years... I had a shoulder to cry on, and someone to fall back on and Im scared to death that even though you say you dont want to leave me, that you might and then ill go back to before the numbness to the cool claws of depression and torture that had been dragging me down long before I fell for you... I wish that you read this and you think how much it would hurt to lose me, like it hurt when that girl you write all the poems for left you, I know you still love her and probably more than you'll ever love me but I couldnt live without you and if something happened to us idk how i could even cope with that... I hope to god you love me at least somewhat the way I love you and if not just leave now because I'd rather not fall more for you and have the pain be any worse than the pain I feel even thinking about you leaving...

I love you... and it scares me,
Kelsey Jane

I am Walrus KooKooKaChuu

The strange feeling seeps through-out my tembling body as I hold tightly to what is left of my heart.
You've taken everything and within seconds you could kill me.
If you said good-bye and turned away forever
you would have said good-bye for good
I could never be able to live without you holding me tight
As I am beaten and hurt by the ppl called my family
you are always there, and I need you to stay here with me
I'll go anywhere with you
for you
and I'd miss you and die in the dead of night
if you were to leave me
and never come back.

Jeremiah Daniel Kima

Jeremiah Daniel Kima is the most amazing part of my life, he keeps me sane while I go through all of this. I hope I can fufill my new plans and be with him even after death because he's the one person I could not live without. i dont even think i could be dead without him. its love when a person can make you smile and be the happiest person in the world but with one word and a turn away to never return that same person could kill you within seconds..